For Heavens Sake

What are you feeing…right this minute? What are your expectations for today? What are your hopes for this week?

Moreso lately, I wake with limited expectations for the day. I wake being thankful to be well, that my family and friends are well and I am living to see another day. Gone are my daily ” have to do lists.” Gone are my anxious feelings about what event might come my way to barrage my mind with “what-should-I-dos.” Gone are my limitations of time and energy. It all feels, irrelavent….now.

In the place of these well meaning tasks and activites have been slowed paces, much more thoughtful pauses, and attention to my emotional state. I am, in the beginnings of refurbishing me.

I listen to a variety of professionals who seek higher levels of emotional being, of attentiveness to fellow man, of inner peace and especially a closer contact with God. My journey takes my dreams to new levels, different levels of sleep and consternation. They bring back memories of the past, people, “could-have- beens”, scenarios that sometimes bear a distant similiarilty to the me I thought I knew. The dreams are perplexing at times. Litttered with scenes of feeling lost, of being surrounded by friends and strangers alike and still feeling as though I have no idea of where I am going, or what I am doing. And these, are probably the most honest of my feelings. I have no idea of what I am doing, really. I know I want to make a difference in this world, I want my existence to count for something. I want to have helped people along the way and to at least put on my epitaph…” She tried.”

Feeling insignificiant is not a new thing. Although I cognitively know I am not insignificant, and I have made differences in lives, the feeling comes from long ago. A time when I was made fun of, because I was very little, painfully shy and terribly insecure in my skin. I was a great target for anyone needing to feel slightly larger, slightly more powerful or at the very least, more likeable. I felt like the dragon Custer in a childrens poem…all i wanted was a …”nice safe cage.”

I did not understand bullying. I did not understand power games. I did not understand the power of people to hurt others, I only felt it. And feel it I did. Intensely. As if to be a vessel for hurt, I soaked in the hurt I saw from others and felt myself, and felt helpless to do anything about it. I prayed for Jesus to love them and forgive them. I prayed for those that did not seem to understand me. I clung to those who seemed to like me. And so, my long struggle began.

My journey through this transformation will undoubtedly be a long one. I have longed for some sort of transcendence, and yet done little to ensure its beginning. Thinking about it seems nice, doesnt it? Doing it, beginning it, quite another story. Like my dreams it can be quite unsettling. The concrete ways of thinking and feeling about myself had become comfortable. I knew who I was, it was a shame others didn’t. Giving all that up still seems daunting. But, there is the now. Now, I am faced with realizing I perhaps have known nothing at all and am faced with my inner most feelings of self doubt, of neediness, of little self esteem and the bravado I have shown is just that…..and all of it, severey lacking of inner substace.

I want to draw some lines between inner substance and cognitive substance. I know, in my head, I am worthwhile. I know God loves me and I know others love me as well. The issue is that I am still that very scared, shy, vessel holding all that hurt and fear inside that must be purged, to go on to who I am truely meant to be. I am talking about spiritually. Spiritually I need to evolve or remain where I am, and I grow weary of stagnation. Spiritually growing means facing down these giants that prevail.

Facing down all these learned or imagined facets of myself will take time and considerable effort. Uncovering the desires of my ego and satisfying the needs of my inner sspiritual self, to grow into a fully functioning human will be a process. It is a process I have willingly made. And for “Heavens sake,” I pray God will always be with me.

These days of limited activity, what do you long for? What does your inner self desire? Lets journey together, shall we??

Blessings,

Tanny